Ratie Rats

Its not that i dont want to be happy. its a despite, how hard i try. i cant bring myself to be happy. i feel suffocated, embarrassed, ashamed,, why did i have to be this way? i've a great family, amazing friends, good academic results, on paper everything is okay. Yet all i ever seem to be is sadness and grey it's like there's like burden on me pulling me to the ground and however hard you try you cant bring myself out i cant bring myself to care about anything not me, not him, not her living has become the constant nightmare and its just not fair. Its a disease that affect every aspect of my life, my work, my relationship, my education and to this day despite my best efforts to explain i am always met with blind hesitation. People ask me "Why you always so sad?" i tell them i dont know... what i do know is that i wake up everyday, feeling like absolutely shit and that tha's become my norm. i am afraid of the world, i am

  Even when i am mad i still think about my other half. Even when i get busy with so many things, i still make time for someone i love. You are so annoying but i cant deny that i love everything about you. Seeing someone i love is what i enjoy the most, but for now all people that i love is being far away from me. even my parents too. so that everytime i see you, i will get nervous. Every single time. Then i get comfortable. Then i get clingy. These three steps. All the time. You are good enough for me.  I cant tell you how much you mean to me because no words can explain that. I love you any less. Loving you is the best thing i've eve done. Yes, i am that kind of person who is obsessed with his space. But i had fun just by your presence. When you are around, i am just content. Seeing your smile forms is just beautiful. You are awkward. Thats beautiful. I saw you crooked teeth. I find that's even more beautiful. You get insecure about your body. I wish i can tell yo