It eats me up daily.

Its not that i dont want to be happy.
its a despite, how hard i try.
i cant bring myself to be happy.
i feel
suffocated,
embarrassed,
ashamed,,
why did i have to be this way?
i've a great family,
amazing friends,
good academic results,
on paper everything is okay.

Yet all i ever seem to be is sadness and grey
it's like there's like burden on me
pulling me to the ground
and however hard you try you cant bring myself out
i cant bring myself to care
about anything
not me,
not him,
not her
living has become the constant nightmare
and its just not fair.

Its a disease that affect every aspect of my life,
my work, my relationship, my education
and to this day
despite my best efforts to explain
i am always met with blind hesitation.

People ask me "Why you always so sad?"
i tell them i dont know...
what i do know
is that i wake up everyday, feeling like absolutely shit
and that tha's become my norm.
i am afraid of the world,
i am afraid of putting my guard down in the fear
that i will judged for something i cannot control

Where's the fairness of it all?
do you think i like to watch myself fall?
into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe.
So i hide them and put up a wall
That's so high,
you will never see my pain or any of my flaws.
I create this character
and she is perfect,she's invincible.
And also i carry on live these two lives,
one for the public,
and one just for me late at night,
cos that's easier than admitting you have a problem
and that's the problem.

The stigma is real people
and i will not go away, until we realise
that mental health is a big deal.
Its a hidden disease thats affecting so many lives,
wake up and listen to the silent cries.

Depression is the hell inside of me
and it eats me up daily.