Mom

                 28 MAY 2014 in memory

                Dearest family and friends, with heavy heart
                i would like to inform you 
                my beloved mother Nurhayati Muhammadong 
                had passed away earlier
                this morning at 1015AM 
                on blessed friday at Hospital Duchess of Kent Sandakan.

                Make dua and prayer for our family so that
                Allah will ease everything for us InsyaAllah.

Makluman Pengkebumian Jenazah
Jam 5:00PM
28 MAY 2014
Pengebumian : Tanah Perkuburan Islam Jalan Aman Sandakan,Sabah. 

Of all days, Allah decide to take you on 28 MAY 2014 on Friday at 1015AM who would ever thought.

I will miss you everyday my mom. Get rest there nothing to worry here, dad and me will be okay here, Tenang dan pergi dengan aman, you are free from your suffer nevermind. 
I will look and care my dad, just get rest there and watch me doing fine from there my dear mom. Im sorry for not being there in your last war in your last breathe. Im very sorry for going to school and not care for you there, im very sorry. 

I will miss all about you,   
I will miss how you you getting up in the morning and when you want to go bed. I will remember and it will always be fresh in my mind, in our mind. I will miss how you slapping my face with water when im late to go school. i would like to thanks for looking me until your last breathe. I will miss how your kiss the top of my head while waiting my school bus. hmm 

I miss my mom so bad, there's no emoji or even words can describe my feeling how sad im. 
i miss her touch, i miss her kisses, i miss his hand her face and all about her. 

Everyone deserve to be happy to live, and that include a cancer patient; my beloved mother. Her illness does not define her and self-worth. She deserved to be happy as much as anyone. Even when it means falling in love at the risk of an ucertain ending in her love story

May Allah ease all for me, as a daughter, i feel its hurting me to talk about my past. Then whats more for me right?  hope somehow along the way, Allah grant me extra force to bear this phase of challange. Amin!

my mom diagnosed with lung cancer stage 4. I cannot feel my legs and cannot hear the my name was called. I feel her pain. She' is coma in 2 weeks and after that Allah more loves her. Im losing my other half. Betullah kata orang nikmat yang Allah paling berharga ialah Mak. Dont ever lawan cakap mak, kalau diberi peluang sekali lagi or miracle i will dengar semua cakap dia and takkan melawan satu pun. Sakit perasaan macam ni but how can we do tidak boleh melawan takdir. Its all my fault sendiri. 
Hilang mak, hilang separuh hidup kita. 

I see my mother beyond that, beyond her pain and illness. She is attractive with her undying spirit to live and she is beautiful with her amazing soul. I feel her raw emotions when she speaks goodness of others of how her eyes light up with pure sincerity when she tells me tales about her life and people that matter. I feel her genuine warmth with the way she describes her life goals – she is the prettiest among any woman I’ve known of. 

Somedays you i feel entirely hopeless, and somedays i feel fully hopeful, i might dont need many people to makes me feel whole, but lost one that makes me feel empty. I feel eating alone, going out alone even with my friends, and doing everythings on my own nowadays. For the past 3 years, i was so confident that im going to be okay, but im not. and let me tell you that grieving apparently is like a wave. It comes and goes in different frequency. 

somewhat everything feels like a dream, a temporary moment of reverie; thoughts floating with feet not quiet on the ground and heard is way above the clouds.

You are still as beautiful as could i remember, your soft hands and your fair skin, they never changed. The same kiss that was once felt hot because of the flush now as cold as ice.

I could not bear leaving you alone, i want to stay, but i have to accept we are two no longer exist in the same world with different time and currency. Im pretty sure your place is better than me. 

The present that i spent time making now is for myself to keep, but its okay. You always be my first love and truest soul mate. 

Im so jelous with all my friend, when they feel hungry they ask for their mother, when they sad they tell their mother, when they miss they call or hug or kiss their mother. Im sad but all that i can do is praying and make dua for my mother there. I was choosen one, i never lose hope sometimes just feeling empty and just miss her. May Allah bless her soul and put her in the highest of jannah. Im not alone, He is always with me, insyaAllah. He know my strength. 

      

"Allah tidak akan memberikan ujian hambanya diluar batas kemampuannya."

Know one could understand my journey, esp if they haven't walked on my path. The feeling of losing she hurt me very much. No one knows except Allah. Some people will know how the feeling going anywhere alone.

I wish that one day. I will be able to feel okay again. But yes, it comes like tides. it can come anytime and it can go anytime. I know too its not easy. Can someone feel me *laugh* Maybe the reason is different  but the feeling of emptiness, loneliness is something that hurt badly. A feeling no one should ever felt. People expecting you to be okay, to be strong. It was not easy. I will take my time. As long as the end of the day i will be okay. 

Much love from far, I Love You, always. 
Ever thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours. 

Your Daughter, 
Ratie